Part 2 – My life story

Alright after receiving that heart warming and uplifting email from my aunt, my life has changed. I made a lot of realization now. I never had the genuine love from my family. All these years, I thought I was doing okay, being neglected and all. Why do I say I was neglected? I never experienced them genuinely care how I really feel. Even if I am in front of them and other people, they would tell those people how bad I am. I thought I would be fine because I learned to build walls around me.

But behind that wall, I gathered all my strength just in case they will be successful hurting me again. Since I was a kid, I can’t remember where my mom would hug me and comfort me whenever I cry or sad. I grew up with nanny. Whenever I try to approach my mom and tries to tell her “Hey mom, I’ve got a problem”, she would start yelling and accusing me of starting that problem.

I remember when I was in high school, we all know how high school works. Bullies are everywhere. I joined this COCC (Cadet Officer Candidate Course) so I can be an officer when I’m on my 4th year. I was bullied and was even threatened that I will be beaten up by some 4th year high school girls. I was alone in that school, I only have few friends but sad to say, fighting isn’t their style. So to my fear going to school, I called up my mom and cried and beg her to transfer to another school. I explained what happened and the only reply I got from her was “Are you taking drugs?”.. From then on, I know I have to survive. I worked my best to be able to get that acceleration test for me to enter college. I passed, with flying colors.

Then when I was in college, I learned that survival… Whenever I’ve got problems, I never tell it to her. Why? I would only get some physical abuse from her or verbal so why would I even bother right.

I graduated in college, my aunt who sent me to school (the one who sent the email) instilled in my head that I need to finish college so I can work for my family. I worked hard and during my college days, I would only get PHP100 a week for allowance, I go to school with a tricycle that costs me PHP10 and walk going home after school. My school starts at 12 noon and ends at 6 pm or sometimes 9, so its bearable for me to walk from school going home.

I graduated when I was 18, worked and my mind says I have to work for my family. Whenever I get my salary, I would only leave enough money for me to survive for the next payday and the rest goes to my family. I try and look for every possible way to get a higher pay. I don’t want to experience again what I’ve been through during my college days.

Our family business was bankrupt. My dad is sick and our small business which he set up after the bankruptcy barely even covers our daily expense. There were times when we have to share one plastic of bread bun (there’s 6 of us) for the whole day. We would usually ask our neighbor who has a store for some goods in credit. That stuck in my head.

So when I finally got a job just right after graduation, I told myself, it won’t happen to me again. I worked so hard that I even neglect buying rewards for my hard work. Coz I feel bad and would always think that “Hey I need to save this money so I can use this for our expenses in our house”. All throughout my working career, I never had the chance to buy those expensive cellphone gadgets nor shop for clothes. All of my stuff were hand me down clothes of my aunt from US which she sends through package. In my mind, whenever I see something I like to buy, I would tell myself, ” Not now, there’s a package coming”.

I deprived myself having some luxuries because I’m thinking of being responsible for house expenses. I saved my money, just in case someone would be sick. And it happened, my dad was confined. He got sick and everything I saved were gone.

I never regret that, don’t get me wrong. But what I can’t accept is being accused of killing my father. And being selfish and all. Don’t I have the right to complain that I’m tired? Don’t I have the right to say how I feel. Despite all of my efforts to provide for my family, all I get were criticisms. Comments that would usually break my heart.

I don’t know if I am that bad. I just want to be happy now. And that happiness is what I found from my hubby. My hubby gave me things I deprived myself for a long time. And even helped me out to bring back the self esteem I lost because of those hurting words I got from my own family and relatives. And I realized, hey I’ve been living my life like a robot. All my life, I gave it to my family. Thinking it is my responsibility to make them comfortable regardless of my own happiness. I realized, I have lived my life in guilt because after my father died, they instilled in my head, it was my fault my father died. (My father died in ICU because of complications of diabetic.) I realized, I lived my life trying to please other people and depriving myself from own happiness. I realized that all these time, regardless of what I do, it will never be enough for them. I realized that I sacrificed having a good life just because I want give good and comfortable life to my family. I realized that I may owe them because they provide for my schooling and they feed when till I was in college but that doesn’t mean I have to take shits from them. I have worked right after college and didn’t give myself anything as a reward for my hardwork.

With these realizations, I came to a decision…. I will live my life first for my baby now and my hubby. I don’t want to neglect it and deprive myself again from happiness that I deserve.  I will live my life to the fullest now…

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE WITH REGRETS. NOBODY SAID IT WOULD BE EASY BUT I KNOW IT’S GONNA BE WORTH IT…

One Minute with God

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Got this wonderful images from a friend. I thought I might share it with you to show how wonderful, grateful and powerful our God is. 🙂

Business….

Oh finally, im on the last part legwork of my business. My hubby gave me this Kowloon Franchise which will serve as my baby too. I had a very hectic schedule today, went to my store to take photos since my business permit isn’t the normal one. I need to secure to historical clearance and the likes. But finally it’s almost done. Hopefully, next week I will be able to start. 🙂

Last night, my hubby mentioned to me that instead of our plan in going to Greece alone, he said we might as well have like his friend’s cruise… A Mediterranean tour…. I was shocked and stunned. Didn’t expect I’d be able to have such cruise. Anyways, it will be next year so I will have lots of time to prepare my body after giving birth.

And right now, I am overwhelmed with the blessings I am receiving. Having a great husband, expecting for a wonderful kid, my family and my new baby, My Kowloon franchise….

Love you baby!

….

As I move forward and excited about the baby, there are still some anxieties that I cannot remove from my head. Anxieties that I just all within myself.

It’s hard to pretend it’s not happening, but why not, it is happening to me. It’s here, a reality I cannot ignore. Does it always have to include pains in every joy a person will have? Or can it just be plain happiness with no consequences involved? I have tried to live a fair life, a life wherein other people’s need is more important than my needs. I have neglected my needs for a long time and it’s not good.

Now the happiness I am longing for is within my reach or shall I say it’s in my hand but why can’t I be happy without feeling this pain inside me. I try to tell myself, it’s all in my head but it is not. No matter what I do, it’s there, right in front of my face.

How can I be truly happy? Is it something that’s so hard to achieve? Something I don’t deserve?

Why I cant have the whole pie, but instead just have a slice of it and share the entire pie with others?

Why? Am I that bad? Do I deserve this? I know a lot of people will just tell me, then walk away… But how can you walk away from the only happiness you ever have in your entire life? I wish it could be that easy… I wish it’s as easy as saying, “Leave if you can’t take it anymore”… But it’s not the solution to problem. It’s just an immediate solution but not a lifetime one. Once it’s there, the effect could be far worse than holding on.

Now what am I suppose to do, I’m lost and confused..

Be happy right now

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married,

have a baby, then another, get a new job, get a new house.

Then we are frustrated that the kids aren’t old enough

and we’ll be more content when they are.

The truth is, there’s no better time to be happy than

right now! If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges.

It’s best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

Happiness is the way.

So, treasure every moment that you have and

treasure it more because you shared it with someone special,

special enough to spend your time with…

And remember that time waits for no one!

So, stop waiting…

…until your car or home is paid off

…until you get a new car or a new job

…until you go back to school

…until you lose ten pounds

…until you gain ten pounds

…until you finish school

…until you get married

…until you get a divorce

…until you have kids

…until your kids leave the house

…until you retire

…until summer

…until fall

…until winter

…until spring

…until you die!

There is no better time than right now to be happy…

My Wishlist

Oh well I know it’s kinda late now for my this year’s wishlist. However I would like to share it you. Too bad the idea just came to my head just last night while lying on my bed.

As you know, I will be losing my job on May 15 because of redundancy. The fact I will be losing my job makes me feel scared since I am supporting my family. But the fact that I know I can surpass this crisis since I’ve got the most loving, patient and supporting husband. (Oh well I considered him as my husband aight?!)

Okay now here’s my wishlist for this year:

1. Have a baby.. Well I hope its a baby girl since my hubby wants to have a princess. He’s excited to have a baby so his wish is my top priority. I guess He has always been my top priority since we were together.

2. Make my small business ventures a success. I have decided to start my small business. It is a fragrance business and I am planning to sell it to my friends and put some at my sister’s resto. Her place is a nice place to put one since there are a lot of students there. If this will be a hit, I am planning to start another one, an e-loading business. Oh well, I would love to have this business. Not that I’m lazy aight, but I don’t want to work anymore because I want to concentrate on taking care of my family. My husband and specially if I will get pregnant this year, our baby..

3. Find a new job. I would want to find new job but not as hectic as my previous one. I want a less stressful job so I will have more time taking care of my family.

4. To be less jealous. Oh well, insecurities always hits me. I am insecure of those girls paying attention to my sexy love. I know I am not pretty nor sexy and that makes me more insecure when he gives attention to those girls. Eventhough he would always tell me I’ve got the most beautiful brown eyes he have ever seen.

5. Learn to trust him again. We’ve got lot of issues lately and this is one thing I should try my best to learn…. To trust him again. I won’t elaborate further but I hope God will help me.

6. Enjoy every moment of my life. We’ll we will never know until when He will get us. But enjoying every moment of our life will at least make us feel more complete. Regrets will not be there but just pure satisfaction.

7. Love him more. I guess I have been loving him less because of my jealousy. I just hope it’s not too late.

I guess this is for it now… I think its doable…

Ciao!

Friday the 13th…

I honestly don’t know what to post or something. But a lot of us believe that Friday the 13th is unlucky well I guess yes it is.

Right now I feel nothing. Maybe still shocked and disoriented still with what happened. I didn’t expect that I will get my “redundancy letter” today. Stroke of bad luck, I will no longer have a job soon.

I don’t want to lose hope, I know I will find a job soon. I just hope and pray I will..

Cant write anything right now, my mind is shattered and I don’t even know if I”m writing it to release what I feel. I am worried about my family now. Specially I am sending my niece to school. 😦

Oh well, ces’t lavie.  I entrust everything to you Lord.

God thy will be done..

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