The Ten Conyo–mandments

(By Gerry Avelino and Arik Abu)

1. Thou shall make gamit “make+pandiwa”

“Let’s make pasok na to our class!”
“Wait lang! I’m making kain pa!”
“Come on na, we can’t make hintay anymore!”

2. Thou shall make kalat “noh”, “di ba” and “eh” in your pangungusap

“I don’t like to make lakad in the baha nga, noh? Eh di ba it’s like, so
ewww, di ba?
“What ba? Stop nga being maarte noh!”
“Eh as if you want naman also, di ba?

3. When making describe a whatever, always say “It’s SO pang–uri!”

“It’s so malaki, you know, and so mainit!”
“I know right? So sarap nga eh!”
“You’re making me inggit naman, I’ll make bili nga my own burger.”

4. When you are lalaki, make parang punctuation “dude”, “tsong” or “pare”

“Dude, ENGANAL is so hirap, pare.”
“I know, tsong, I got bagsak nga in quiz one, eh.”

5. Thou shall know you know? I know right!

“My bag is so bigat today, you know.”
“I know, right! We have to make dala pa kase the jumbo Physics book eh!”

6. Make gawa the plural of pangalans like in English or Spanish

“I have so many tigyawats, oh!”

7. Like, when you can make kaya, always like. Like, I know right?

“Like it’s so init naman!”
“Yeah! The air–con, it’s like sira kase eh!”

8. Make yourself feel so galing by translating the last word of your
sentence, you know, your pangungusap?

“Kakainis naman in the LRT! How plenty tao, you know, people?”
”It’s so tight nga there, eh, you know, masikip?”

9. Make gamit of plenty of abbreviations, you know, daglat?

“Like OMG! It’s like traffic sa EDSA.”
“I know, right? It’s so kaka!”
“Kaka?”
“Kakaasar!”

10. Make gamit the pinakamarte voice and pronunciation you have para full
effect!

“I’m like, making aral at the Arrhneow!”
“Me naman, I’m from Lazzahl!”

Bitchy quotes

Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow”

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.”-

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

I’m not anti-social, I just don’t like you”

“We are all going to hell, and I am driving the bus”

“You shouldn’t compare yourself to others they are more screwed up than you think.”

“The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones never go away.”

“I can either be your best friend or your worst enemy”.

We crush the caterpillars then complain there are no butterflies

I’m not a tease, Im just a reminder of what you can’t have

**If it doesn’t fit force it, if it breaks it needed replaced anyway*

“Enjoy life. There’s plenty of time to be dead.”

“I don’t want to achieve immortality thru my work. I want to achieve immortality thru not dying”

Ugliness is superior to beauty because it lasts.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks

Don’t give other people a piece of your mind unless you can afford it.

Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth before someone suggests it.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change

Good friends will help you move. REALLY good friends will help you move bodies.”

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

“Lies circle the earth while Truth is still trying to put on its shoes.”

I wanna be different just like everyone else

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one?? Don’t eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt

I believe that imagination is more important than knowledge.

You can’t argue with a sick mind

You’re only young once, but you can be immature the rest of your life

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

Every piece of paper has two good sides… Unless you use magic marker then you’re fucked

When faced with a difficult task, pass it on to a lazy person and she’ll figure out an easier way to accomplish it.

“Dont underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers”

A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be in the next cell saying “that was fucking awesome

What do sheep count when they can’t sleep?

“Butchs are like roses, watch out for the pricks…

Stoners live and stoners die, and at the end they all get high, then soon the don’t succeed, FUCK IT ALL LETS SMOKE SOME WEED!

*Fighting for peace is like f***in for virginity*

It takes 42 muscles to frown and only four to extend my middle finger and tell you to bite me.

Do you believe in love at first site? Or should I walk by again
A wise monkey never monkies w/ another monkey’s monkey!

***Everyones entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the privilege***

Last night I was looking at the stars and I was wondering where the heck is my ceiling!

Did you fall down the ugly tree and hit every branch on your way down!
*They say true love hides behind every Corner…I must be walking in Circles! *

Im an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo up straight!

4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep

FOR ALL OF YOU WHO TALK ABOUT ME THANKS FOR MAKING ME THE CENTER OF YOUR WORLD!

I can only please one person per day, today is not your day and tomorrow doesn’t look good either.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I am not a player…I’m the game

I’m not a blonde! I’m knot! I’m knot! I’m knot!

I Know I’m Not Perfect, but I’m So Close it scares me~! ~

I smile because I have no idea what is going on

I dont need Your Attitude, I Have One of My Own

****I’m not weird! I’m gifted****

You’re only bad if you’re caught… So that makes me a good girl, RIGHT!

~What a shame…looks like the ugly fairy kissed you on both cheeks!

CLICK YOUR HEELS AND SAY “I NEED A LIFE, I NEED A LIFE”

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in her shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Hooked on funks worked far me, Kant cha tell?

DON’T LOOK AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE

Success comes before work… only in the dictionary

~*Never fight with an ugly person~*~they have nothing to loose! *~

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Everyone gets a chance in the spotlight; you can have it when I’m done!

~* Big Girls dont cry they get even*~

NO OFFICER THERE’S ANY BLOOD IN MY ALCOHOL SYSTEM!
In some cultures what I do is considered normal

Even if the voices are not real, they have some good ideas.

Roses are red violets are blue
sugar is sweet and so are you,
but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead
the sugar bowls empty and so is your head

If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk

Mirrors don’t talk and lucky for you they don’t laugh!

I don’t come with dice-so don’t play me.

This is an inside joke and your on the outside!

-That’s all right, that’s okay, you’re going to pump my gas someday! –

Don’t think of it as losing, think of it as getting beat by a girl

Don’t Treat Me Any Differently than You Would the Queen

EVIL is just LIVE spelled backwards

Life isn’t a garden…so stop being a hoe!

HOW MANY BOWLS OF COURAGE DID U EAT THIS MORNING?

Roses are red violets are blue I’m skitzafranic and so am I!

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once!

Fact: If you ever hurt me…you get it back 10 times worse.

I never knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober one night…”

“Winston, you are drunk.” – Lady Astor
“Yes my dear, but you are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober” – Winston Churchill

“It’s not true that life is one damn thing after another. It’s the same damn thing over and over.”

How many frickin’ times do I have to say, ‘In the form of a question’, people?!?” – Alex Trebek

I no longer wish to belong to the kind of club that accepts people like me as members” – Groucho Marx

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it’s in a jar on my desk.” – Stephen King

I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.” – Britney Spears

Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember

How can there be self-help GROUPS?

What if you’re in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

Save Your Breath … You’ll need it to blow up your date

Hey! Quit hogging all the ugly!

Don’t go away mad, just go away!

We’re having creative differences. I’m creative, you’re different

Don’t talk about yourself so much… we’ll do that when you leave.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m not sure if I can stick my head that far up my ass.

What is your worst sin? My vanity. I spend hours before the mirror admiring my beauty. That isn’t vanity, dear, that’s imagination.

If your parents got a divorce would they still be brother and sister?

It’s a beautiful world but everyone’s insane.”

~Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

It’s not that I don’t like you! It’s just that when I’m not behind the mic I’m a person just like you!

A butch talks dirty to a women and its sexual harassement. A women talks dirty to a butch and its $3.95 a min.

“Drug laws create criminals”

Your friends are worth more than you think–$7.99 at least

“Always forgive your enemies-nothing annoys them so much.”

“If you need space, join NASA, baby”

Its not an attitude ,its the way I am

If the ocean was made of vodka and I were a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up.
But since the ocean isnt vodka and Im not a duck, Just hand me the bottle and shut the fuck up.

Bad English Part 2

Well, last night while I was writing the Bad English article, I forgot this recent incident. This happened during the last Binibining Pilipinas 2008. The girl who won the Binibining Pilipinas World and will be competing for this year Ms. World beauty pageant has a very bad command in English. Come to think of it, Ms. Janina San Miguel is a communication student (major in Broadcasting), and yet she has this English command.

Just see and watch: (please see the transcript too!)

Plus the transcript!

Paolo Bediones: Janina, how are you?
Janina San Miguel: I’m fine.
Paolo Bediones: Alright, so you won two of the major awards – Best in Long Gown, Best in Swimsuit, do you feel any pressure right now?
Janina San Miguel: No, I don’t feel any pressure right now.
Paolo Bediones: Confident! Alright! Please choose a name of the judge.
Paolo Bediones: We have Miss Vivienne Tan.
Vivienne Tan: Good Evening.
Janina San Miguel: Good Evening.
Vivienne Tan: The question is, what role did your family play to you as candidate to Binibining Pilinas?
Janina San Miguel: Well, my family’s role for me is so important b’coz there was the wa- they’re, they was the one who’s… very… Hahahaha… Oh I’m so sorry, Ahhmm… My pamily (thi… My family… Oh my god… I’m… Ok, I’m so sorry… I… I told you that I’m so confident… Eto, Ahhmm, Wait… Hahahaha, Ahmmm, Sorry guys because this was really my first pageant ever b’coz I’m only 17 years old and ahahaha I, I did not expect that I came from, I came from one of the top 10. Hmmm, so… but I said that my family is the most important persons in my life. Thank you.

Hmm, now what do you think of her English? Can you understand? I wonder how she even won the title and for me I she had not answered the question. See, the p and f she says “pamily” while it should be “f”amily.

A lot of of people says that this also happens with Ms. Teen U.S.A (Ms. South Carolina). And she doesn’t have any excuse since she is an American and she should have “mastered” this language very well. Hmm I can’t seem to understand whether she is confused or don’t know how to answer that damn question.

Please take A look..(Please read the transcript!)

The question: Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is?

Transcript of Ms. South Carolina’s answer:

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as. And I believe that they should, uh, our education over here! In the U.S. should help the U.S., or, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.

Hmm funny right? I wonder when they can try to at least speak slowly but surely *confused*.. Why they always have to be in the rush.

Bad English…

I was working with call center industry for almost 5 years. And given I have been dealing with foreigners most of the time and we are not allowed to disclose our locations, (say even if the customer noticed our native accent, we should still say that we are located in U.S.), we need to really sound like Americans or Brits, depends which account you will be handling.

Mostly of the accounts I handled were U.S. clients so I need to undergo this American Accent training with none other than Anne Cook. Dang she is really good. But since I am a Filipino, I think there would still be slip of the tongue when it comes to this English language. The common problems of Filipinos I think would be the P and the F, the B and V. Most of the time, they interchange this with one another for example “pe-der” (this should be “F”ea=ther), fey-per (this should be “P”ey-per) and the likes. Also the “Th” sounds.

Hmm, I think this is the classic Filipino English which is mostly shown during our Accent training classes. This is why I just so love Rex Navarette. I know some people think he is kinda racist but common, he is stand up comedian, and I think most of them do this as well.

Yeah see the P and the F. 😀

Maritess is also funny..

Basically this are videos that shows that we need to have to improve our English if we are really serious in getting in the call center industry. But sometimes, I think when I was in this industry, I find some of the agents so TH (trying hard) when they try to imitate the way black people speak. For me, I think, they sounded like this:

Yeah, the more harder you try to sound like those black or put some twangs the more it ends up in disaster. Example the beach ends up with short e and it sound like BITCH!. Common dude, speak in your normal way. Don’t be so trying so hard. You look like a mess.

I’d rather listen to this person. Who thinks that the title of Mariah Carey’s song Without you is Ken Lee. I think she has more excuse in English language since I think only few speaks fluent English in Bulgaria.

Hmm, now I wonder, do I also speak that bad. But hey, so far in my stay in the call center, none of my customers during escalations of my agents thinks I am not located in U.S. so as my agents.

Maybe, I should not be confident enough. I should still improve my English.

Just for a laugh

Got this from my officemate. I can’t help but laugh while reading it.

  • “Bakit ba pati ako, binibigyan nyo ng malisya? Ano ba ang kasalanan ko?!” ~ Talong ~
  • “Hindi lahat ng malakas, super hero!” ~ Putok ~
  • “Paano tayo makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sa iyo?” ~ Lego ~
  • “Halika, bigyan mo pa ako ng init. Kailangan kong pumutok para ako’yiyong matikman at ika’y masarapan. Ayan na! Puputok na! Humanda ka!” ~ Popcorn ~
  • “Kahit papaano, gusto ko din ng exposure!” ~ Singit ~
  • “Hindi ko hinahangad na ipagmalaki mo na ako’y sa iyo. Ayoko langnaman na sa harap ng maraming tao, ganun mo na lang ako itanggi!” ~ Utot ~
  • “Hindi lahat ng hinog ay matamis!” ~ Pigsa ~
  • “Kapag ang katawan mo’y nag-iinit, lagi na lang ako ang hinahanap mo.Maya’t maya mo akong ginagamit at pinapagod. Hindi ka na naawa!” ~ Aircon ~
  • “Pagod na akong humawak ng balls mo! Pagod narin ako sapagbihis-hubad mo sa akin. Malapit na naman ulit! Ayoko na!!!” ~ Christmas Tree. ~
  • “I ikspik that it will be a long payt, a good payt, But you know, Ididn’t ikspik. Tinks por da God, you know, and tinks por ol da pelepeno pipol!” ~ Manny Pacquiao ~
  • “You never even thank me for making you happy, then you throw me awayjust like that. I hate you for using me, for making my life full of shit!” ~ Tissue ~
  • “Hindi llahat ng kulot, salot!” ~ Golddilocks ~
  • “Hindi lahat ng bubuyog, kulay itim!” ~ Jollibee~
  • “Alam kong sa tingin mo, masaya ako! Pero bakit kayo ganyan?! Satuwing wala na kayong masabi, ako na lang ang ginagamit nyo! Pagod na pagod ako sa pagngiti!” ~ Smiley ~
  • “You can cry all you want, you could always blame me. You said, itwasn’t fair that you just want life to be better. But remember, it’s allyour fault! You stabbed me with a knife!” ~ Sibuyas ~
  • “Isubo mo ang kahabaan ko. Dilaan. Sipsipin. Paglaruan sa bibig mo.Para lumabas ang katas ko na kinasabikan mo. Nag mamahal,” ~ Ice Candy ~
  • “Bakit ayaw nyo pa rin sa akin kahit sosyal at maganda ako? Dahil bamas sweet ang iba?”. ~ Fruitcake ~
  • “Panakip butas mo lang pala ako!”. ~ Panty ~
  • “Pinapaikot mo lang ako! Nagsasawa na ako. Mabuti pang patayin mo na lang ako”. ~ Electric fan ~
  • “Hindi lahat na walang salawal ay bastos!” ~ winnie d’ pooh ~
  • “Alam mo ba wala akong ibang hinangad kundi ang mapalapit sa iyo. Pero patuloy ang pag-iwas mo”. ~ ipis ~
  • “Hala! sige magpakasasa ka! Alam ko namang katawan ko lang ang habol mo.” ~ hipon ~
  • “Ayoko na! Pag nagmamahal ako, lagi na lang maraming tao ang nagagalit! Wala ba akong karapatang magmahal?!” ~ Gasolina ~
  • “Sawang-sawa na ako, palagi na lang akong pinagpapasa-pasahan, pagod na pagod na ako.”~ Bola ~
  • “Ginawa ko naman lahat para sumaya ka, mahirap ka ba talagang makontento sa isa? Bakit palipat-lipat ka? ~ TV ~
  • “Hindi lahat ng maasim may vitamin C” ~ kili kili ~
  • “Pilitin mo man na alisin ako sa buhay mo, babalik at babalik ako! ~ Libag ~
  • “Anung kasalanan ko sa iyo, iniwan mo na lang akong duguan…” ~ Sanitary Napkin ~
  • “Hwag mo na akong bilugin..” ~ kulangot ~
  • “Bwisit na buhay ito! Araw-araw na lang, itlog! Umaga, tanghali, gabi, itlog! Itlog! Itlog! Lagi na lang itlog!” ~ Brief ~
  • “Sige, kalimutan mo ako para malaman ng iba ang baho mo! ~ deodorant ~
  • “Ako lang ang makakapagpadugo ng ilong ni Manny Pacquiao!” ~ English ~
  • “Hindi totoong anak ko si Bakekang! At lalong hindi ko kapatid si Mike Enriquez! Kaya pwede ba, tigilan na ang tsismis na yan!”~ Shrek ~