Part 2 – My life story

Alright after receiving that heart warming and uplifting email from my aunt, my life has changed. I made a lot of realization now. I never had the genuine love from my family. All these years, I thought I was doing okay, being neglected and all. Why do I say I was neglected? I never experienced them genuinely care how I really feel. Even if I am in front of them and other people, they would tell those people how bad I am. I thought I would be fine because I learned to build walls around me.

But behind that wall, I gathered all my strength just in case they will be successful hurting me again. Since I was a kid, I can’t remember where my mom would hug me and comfort me whenever I cry or sad. I grew up with nanny. Whenever I try to approach my mom and tries to tell her “Hey mom, I’ve got a problem”, she would start yelling and accusing me of starting that problem.

I remember when I was in high school, we all know how high school works. Bullies are everywhere. I joined this COCC (Cadet Officer Candidate Course) so I can be an officer when I’m on my 4th year. I was bullied and was even threatened that I will be beaten up by some 4th year high school girls. I was alone in that school, I only have few friends but sad to say, fighting isn’t their style. So to my fear going to school, I called up my mom and cried and beg her to transfer to another school. I explained what happened and the only reply I got from her was “Are you taking drugs?”.. From then on, I know I have to survive. I worked my best to be able to get that acceleration test for me to enter college. I passed, with flying colors.

Then when I was in college, I learned that survival… Whenever I’ve got problems, I never tell it to her. Why? I would only get some physical abuse from her or verbal so why would I even bother right.

I graduated in college, my aunt who sent me to school (the one who sent the email) instilled in my head that I need to finish college so I can work for my family. I worked hard and during my college days, I would only get PHP100 a week for allowance, I go to school with a tricycle that costs me PHP10 and walk going home after school. My school starts at 12 noon and ends at 6 pm or sometimes 9, so its bearable for me to walk from school going home.

I graduated when I was 18, worked and my mind says I have to work for my family. Whenever I get my salary, I would only leave enough money for me to survive for the next payday and the rest goes to my family. I try and look for every possible way to get a higher pay. I don’t want to experience again what I’ve been through during my college days.

Our family business was bankrupt. My dad is sick and our small business which he set up after the bankruptcy barely even covers our daily expense. There were times when we have to share one plastic of bread bun (there’s 6 of us) for the whole day. We would usually ask our neighbor who has a store for some goods in credit. That stuck in my head.

So when I finally got a job just right after graduation, I told myself, it won’t happen to me again. I worked so hard that I even neglect buying rewards for my hard work. Coz I feel bad and would always think that “Hey I need to save this money so I can use this for our expenses in our house”. All throughout my working career, I never had the chance to buy those expensive cellphone gadgets nor shop for clothes. All of my stuff were hand me down clothes of my aunt from US which she sends through package. In my mind, whenever I see something I like to buy, I would tell myself, ” Not now, there’s a package coming”.

I deprived myself having some luxuries because I’m thinking of being responsible for house expenses. I saved my money, just in case someone would be sick. And it happened, my dad was confined. He got sick and everything I saved were gone.

I never regret that, don’t get me wrong. But what I can’t accept is being accused of killing my father. And being selfish and all. Don’t I have the right to complain that I’m tired? Don’t I have the right to say how I feel. Despite all of my efforts to provide for my family, all I get were criticisms. Comments that would usually break my heart.

I don’t know if I am that bad. I just want to be happy now. And that happiness is what I found from my hubby. My hubby gave me things I deprived myself for a long time. And even helped me out to bring back the self esteem I lost because of those hurting words I got from my own family and relatives. And I realized, hey I’ve been living my life like a robot. All my life, I gave it to my family. Thinking it is my responsibility to make them comfortable regardless of my own happiness. I realized, I have lived my life in guilt because after my father died, they instilled in my head, it was my fault my father died. (My father died in ICU because of complications of diabetic.) I realized, I lived my life trying to please other people and depriving myself from own happiness. I realized that all these time, regardless of what I do, it will never be enough for them. I realized that I sacrificed having a good life just because I want give good and comfortable life to my family. I realized that I may owe them because they provide for my schooling and they feed when till I was in college but that doesn’t mean I have to take shits from them. I have worked right after college and didn’t give myself anything as a reward for my hardwork.

With these realizations, I came to a decision…. I will live my life first for my baby now and my hubby. I don’t want to neglect it and deprive myself again from happiness that I deserve.  I will live my life to the fullest now…

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LIVE WITH REGRETS. NOBODY SAID IT WOULD BE EASY BUT I KNOW IT’S GONNA BE WORTH IT…

Advertisements

….

As I move forward and excited about the baby, there are still some anxieties that I cannot remove from my head. Anxieties that I just all within myself.

It’s hard to pretend it’s not happening, but why not, it is happening to me. It’s here, a reality I cannot ignore. Does it always have to include pains in every joy a person will have? Or can it just be plain happiness with no consequences involved? I have tried to live a fair life, a life wherein other people’s need is more important than my needs. I have neglected my needs for a long time and it’s not good.

Now the happiness I am longing for is within my reach or shall I say it’s in my hand but why can’t I be happy without feeling this pain inside me. I try to tell myself, it’s all in my head but it is not. No matter what I do, it’s there, right in front of my face.

How can I be truly happy? Is it something that’s so hard to achieve? Something I don’t deserve?

Why I cant have the whole pie, but instead just have a slice of it and share the entire pie with others?

Why? Am I that bad? Do I deserve this? I know a lot of people will just tell me, then walk away… But how can you walk away from the only happiness you ever have in your entire life? I wish it could be that easy… I wish it’s as easy as saying, “Leave if you can’t take it anymore”… But it’s not the solution to problem. It’s just an immediate solution but not a lifetime one. Once it’s there, the effect could be far worse than holding on.

Now what am I suppose to do, I’m lost and confused..

And it’s here.. Finally..

Oh well I have not updating my blog lately since I need a bed rest. I am currently on my way to 6 weeks pregnancy and getting and getting excited to see my baby.

I hope that my baby will be a girl, and that she will grow  God fearing, loving, healthy and most of all strong like his papa.

Oh my hubby is so excited, we are both hoping to have a baby girl so he could have his princess. 🙂

There is nothing more exciting and fun knowing that I will be a mom soon.  But whenever I think of my angel’s coming, there are still some fear in me that sets in. Most of all is, will I ever be a good mom?

I just hope that I will be able to raise my kid like my parents did to us. I pray to God that He will give us a healthy baby and that He will always keep her safe.

Till next time..

xoxo

My Wishlist

Oh well I know it’s kinda late now for my this year’s wishlist. However I would like to share it you. Too bad the idea just came to my head just last night while lying on my bed.

As you know, I will be losing my job on May 15 because of redundancy. The fact I will be losing my job makes me feel scared since I am supporting my family. But the fact that I know I can surpass this crisis since I’ve got the most loving, patient and supporting husband. (Oh well I considered him as my husband aight?!)

Okay now here’s my wishlist for this year:

1. Have a baby.. Well I hope its a baby girl since my hubby wants to have a princess. He’s excited to have a baby so his wish is my top priority. I guess He has always been my top priority since we were together.

2. Make my small business ventures a success. I have decided to start my small business. It is a fragrance business and I am planning to sell it to my friends and put some at my sister’s resto. Her place is a nice place to put one since there are a lot of students there. If this will be a hit, I am planning to start another one, an e-loading business. Oh well, I would love to have this business. Not that I’m lazy aight, but I don’t want to work anymore because I want to concentrate on taking care of my family. My husband and specially if I will get pregnant this year, our baby..

3. Find a new job. I would want to find new job but not as hectic as my previous one. I want a less stressful job so I will have more time taking care of my family.

4. To be less jealous. Oh well, insecurities always hits me. I am insecure of those girls paying attention to my sexy love. I know I am not pretty nor sexy and that makes me more insecure when he gives attention to those girls. Eventhough he would always tell me I’ve got the most beautiful brown eyes he have ever seen.

5. Learn to trust him again. We’ve got lot of issues lately and this is one thing I should try my best to learn…. To trust him again. I won’t elaborate further but I hope God will help me.

6. Enjoy every moment of my life. We’ll we will never know until when He will get us. But enjoying every moment of our life will at least make us feel more complete. Regrets will not be there but just pure satisfaction.

7. Love him more. I guess I have been loving him less because of my jealousy. I just hope it’s not too late.

I guess this is for it now… I think its doable…

Ciao!

Parent’s Wish

Parent\’s WishSa Aking Pagtanda…

Sa aking pagtanda, unawain mo sana ako at pagpasensyahan. Kapag dala ng
kalabuan ng mata ay nakabasag ako ng pinggan o nakatapon ng sabaw sa
hapag kainan, huwag mo sana akong kagagalitan. Maramdamin ang isang
matanda. Nagse-self-pity ako a tuwing sisigawan mo ako.

Kapag mahina na ang tenga ko at hindi ko maintindihan ang sinasabi mo,
huwag mo naman sana akong sabihan ng “binge!” paki-ulit nalang ang
sinabi mo o pakisulat nalang. Pasensya ka na, anak. Matanda na talaga
ako.

Kapag mahina na tuhod ko, pagtiyagaan mo sana akong tulungang tumayo,
katulad ng pag-aalalay ko sa iyo noong nag-aaral ka pa lamang lumakad.

Pagpasensyahan mo sana ako kung ako man ay nagiging makulit at paulit
ulit na parang sirang plaka. Basta pakinggan mo nalang ako.

Huwag mo sana akong pagtatawanan o pagsasawaang pakinggan. Natatandaan
mo anak noong bata ka pa? kapag gusto mo ng lobo,paulit-ulit mo ‘yong
sasabihin, maghapon kang mangungulit hangga’t hindi mo nakukuha ang
gusto mo. Pinagtyagaan ko ang kakulitan mo.

Pagpasensyahan mo na rin sana ang aking amoy. Amoy matanda, amoy lupa.
Huwag mo sana akong piliting maligo. Mahina na ang katawan ko. Madaling
magkasakit kapag nalamigan, huwag mo sana akong pandirihan. Natatandaan
mo noong bata ka pa? Pinatyagaan kitang habulin sa ilalim ng kama kapag
ayaw mong maligo.

Pagpasensyahan mo sana kung madalas, ako’y masungit, dala na marahil ito
ng katandaan. Pagtanda mo, maiintindihan mo rin.

Kapag may konti kang panahon, magkwentohan naman tayo, kahit sandali
lang. inip na ako sa bahay, maghapong nag-iisa. Walang kausap. Alam kong
busy ka sa trabaho, subalit nais kong malaman mo na sabik na sabik na
akong makakwentuhan ka, kahit alam kong hindi ka interesado sa mga
kwento ko. Natatandaan mo anak, noong bata ka pa? Pinagtyagaan kong
pakinggan at intindihin ang pautal-utal mong kwento tungkol sa iyong
teddy bear.

At kapag dumating ang sandali na ako’y magkakasakit at maratay sa banig
ng karamdaman, huwag mo sana akong pagsawaang alagaan.

Pagpasensyahan mo na sana kung ako man ay maihi o madumi sa higaan,
pagtyagaan mo sana akong alagaan sa mga huling sandali ng aking buhay.
Tutal hindi na naman ako magtatagal.

Kapag dumating ang sandali ng aking pagpanaw, hawakan mo sana ang aking
kamay at bigyan mo ako ng lakas ng loob na harapin ang kamatayan.

At huwag kang mag-alala, kapag kaharap ko na ang Diyos na lumikha,
ibubulong ko sa kanya na pag-palain ka sana dahil naging mapagmahal ka
sa iyong ama’t ina.

Doll and White Roses

I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back.The boy couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6 years old.The Cashier said, “I’m sorry, but you don’t have enough money to buy this doll.”Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ”Granny,are you sure I don’t have enough money?”The old lady replied: ”You know that you don’t have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.”Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly.

The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.”It’s the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas.She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.”I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.But he replied to me sadly. “No, Santa Claus can’t bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.”His eyes were so sad while saying this. “My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.”My heart nearly stopped.The little boy looked up at me and said: “I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.”Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me “I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won’t forget me.””I love my mommy and I wish she doesn’t have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.”

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. “Suppose we checkagain, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?””OK” he said, “I hope I do have enough.” I added some of my money to his with out him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.The little boy said: “Thank you God for giving me enough money!”Then he looked at me and added, “I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!””I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn’t dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.””My mommy loves white roses.”

A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket.I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started.I couldn’t get the little boy out of my mind.Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a youngwoman and a little girl.The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a criticalstate. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on thelife-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma. Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.I couldn’t stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever.. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister isstill, to this day, hard to imagine.And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.

The value of a man or woman resides in what he or she gives, not in what they are capable of receiving………..

Your guardian angel


When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can’t replace
And now that I’m stronger I’ve figured out
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul
And I know I’ll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I’ll stand up with you forever
I’ll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s ok.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I’ll be the one

I will never let you fall
I’ll stand up with you forever
I’ll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you’re my, you’re my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don’t throw that away
Cuz I’m here for you
Please don’t walk away,
Please tell me you’ll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I’ll be ok
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I’ll stand up with you forever
I’ll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Previous Older Entries