Sad thoughts

It;s 4:30 am and I am still up. Still thinking for what I should have done to make things right. I have been a dreamer I must say. I dream for perfect endings, but it seems like no matter how I try to have it that way, that ending is impossible to have.

I almost believe that what’s going on with my life will always have a fairy tale ending. Wherein I will happily ever after. But is having that happy ending really hard to get?

I have tried to have it that way, maybe sometimes I’m a dreamer. I’m dreaming of having a perfect life. Where I will always have the life I have been dreaming, but what if the person you want to be part of that life isn’t ready to do same things with you? What if he has different perspective in life, say, be content with what he can give you and not having an extra effort in changing things you always argue or disagree about? Is it worth holding on?

Life is too short, and right now, I want to live my life to the fullest. I may not be able to see things those things when I am finally home. Yes, home, a place where I hope I won’t feel the pain.

Is it worth holding on or it is time to let go…? The pain is too much to bear now, it’s all inside me. I try not to cry, but I cannot help it. 😦 Reality bites.

One thing I have learned is sometimes, when you think that a person can’t live without you will choose you always, it’s not all the time… Sometimes, that very person will choose that toy over you. Don’t be too secured of your standing in that person’s life. Coz if the time comes that you ask him to choose, you may not like the choice he will make.

Toy vs. the one you love – it doesn’t always have to be the one you love. Most of the time, people will choose toys. I still don’t get it until now. My head spins and I am trying to crack my head out to understand why.. But it always ends up in “I think I am just not good enough”.

Right now, live with my child, that’s what is important. I have been hurt many times. A lot of times… And in those times, I am always alone. No family or friends to talk to. Trying to conceal the real happenings with both of us. I wish it’s easy the way you take things. If you cannot accept it, then go. Yes maybe in time I’ll go. But with the remaining of my life, I want to spend it with you. My life is too short… And if with my remaining life means loving you together with the pain I have inside, maybe I will stick.

I just hope that when I’m gone, you will remember me with a smile. Life is too short to worry about us being 50+. But it does feels good to think I will have that chance to reach that age, with you and our child.

Please take care of our child if ever I’m gone. Hug her and kiss her for me. Tell her how much I love both of you. You will always have my heart. Where ever I am, I will still look after you and love you even from afar..

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It just not good enough

Started my Sunday feeling well and happy then turned into disaster.

I dont know if it’s my fault asking and telling my ex-house help daughter for waivers in school whenever they have field trips, film showing to be held on non-schooling days. As you all know, I used to have a househelp and since I cannot tolerate her irresponsible gossiping with our neighbors about me, my family and other tenants of our townhouse, I asked her to leave. With her leaving, she left her daughter to us who is in college. The kid decided to stay since if she will go with her mom, she will be stopping from college.

So, it is very obvious it is my responsibility to whatever happens to this kid right? I just simply told her not to do again what she’s been doing to me for this whole week, telling me she needed to go to the field trip on the night before she leaves. Is it right? I dont think so. Whenever we ask for waiver, she would tell us she doesn’t have it, it is okay if I didn’t go to college and know the rules.

Just this morning, after me and my hubby had this wee hour breakfast, we were discussing about “when it is just not good enough”. And just this morning, when I was talking to the kid about permission before leaving and going to any school activities, since my hubby said if she can’t keep up with our house rules, she is free to go and live on her own, my mom just retorted back saying “she already asked permission from me”. It is okay if she will be liable to this kid but she’s not. And told her not to meddle, to my horror, she was about to throw me the computer mouse. It’s ironic that even my husband pays for the rent of this house, this is still not my house. I pay for everything here, electricity,rent, food and all utilities and still this is not my house. hahahaha how ironic isn’t it? It will never be good enough I guess no matter what you do. I know I am not asking too much from the kid, I just don’t want to have any loopholes for her stupid mom to get back on me if something happened to her, am I right guys? Please tell me if what I’m asking from this kid is too much…

As of the moment, I want to get away from them. I packed my things and thinking of looking for another house anytime… I guess it will be better to live on my own than continue living with them where I shoulder everything and yet I don’t have the right to set the rules for the house… What dyou think?

One Minute with God

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Got this wonderful images from a friend. I thought I might share it with you to show how wonderful, grateful and powerful our God is. 🙂