It;s 4:30 am and I am still up. Still thinking for what I should have done to make things right. I have been a dreamer I must say. I dream for perfect endings, but it seems like no matter how I try to have it that way, that ending is impossible to have.
I almost believe that what’s going on with my life will always have a fairy tale ending. Wherein I will happily ever after. But is having that happy ending really hard to get?
I have tried to have it that way, maybe sometimes I’m a dreamer. I’m dreaming of having a perfect life. Where I will always have the life I have been dreaming, but what if the person you want to be part of that life isn’t ready to do same things with you? What if he has different perspective in life, say, be content with what he can give you and not having an extra effort in changing things you always argue or disagree about? Is it worth holding on?
Life is too short, and right now, I want to live my life to the fullest. I may not be able to see things those things when I am finally home. Yes, home, a place where I hope I won’t feel the pain.
Is it worth holding on or it is time to let go…? The pain is too much to bear now, it’s all inside me. I try not to cry, but I cannot help it. 😦 Reality bites.
One thing I have learned is sometimes, when you think that a person can’t live without you will choose you always, it’s not all the time… Sometimes, that very person will choose that toy over you. Don’t be too secured of your standing in that person’s life. Coz if the time comes that you ask him to choose, you may not like the choice he will make.
Toy vs. the one you love – it doesn’t always have to be the one you love. Most of the time, people will choose toys. I still don’t get it until now. My head spins and I am trying to crack my head out to understand why.. But it always ends up in “I think I am just not good enough”.
Right now, live with my child, that’s what is important. I have been hurt many times. A lot of times… And in those times, I am always alone. No family or friends to talk to. Trying to conceal the real happenings with both of us. I wish it’s easy the way you take things. If you cannot accept it, then go. Yes maybe in time I’ll go. But with the remaining of my life, I want to spend it with you. My life is too short… And if with my remaining life means loving you together with the pain I have inside, maybe I will stick.
I just hope that when I’m gone, you will remember me with a smile. Life is too short to worry about us being 50+. But it does feels good to think I will have that chance to reach that age, with you and our child.
Please take care of our child if ever I’m gone. Hug her and kiss her for me. Tell her how much I love both of you. You will always have my heart. Where ever I am, I will still look after you and love you even from afar..