Ouch!Pain I love most…

Oh well remember on my last blog about the second girl I have been prying? Just opened it about 5 minutes ago, how can I in fact enjoy monitoring her blogsite where I know the guy I have been hoping to love me back has been making comment and asking her to go out on a date with her when she was still here in PI. I am just lucky right now she is US but what if she is here? Where should I place myself?

Been dating him for more than a year now but all I can feel is pain in loving him. I never had a chance for him to love me back. Before all he would say is how wonderful I am which I think he genuinely mean it. But he cannot give me more than what we have now. And he kept on emphasizing this to me all throughout the dating session.

Call me masochist but I am just afraid of losing him so I hold on. No matter how painful it is for me, I still hold on. I cannot imagine myself without him. I have tried to move on and continue living without him, but I always end up going back to him.

We got a bizarre love story, but I am not even sure if it is indeed a love story or just a “lust” story. I tried not to write it over my blog as I try to keep all the pain within me. But the more I try to hold it to myself, the more painful it become.

His actions confuse me. Whenever we are together, I can genuinely sense how happy he is. But I remember there was a time he mentioned I cannot sense that deep inside he is lonely and sad. We cannot be together, no matter how hard I try. I try to settle to the fact that all we can ever be is just a “special friend”.

I wish one day, I would learn to let go of him. I tried and tried but I keep on failing on this one. Seems like I will never ever pass on this test. I simply love his smiles, his humor, his imperfections. I see a perfect persons beyond his imperfections. But deep inside of me, I am hurting because of the fact that he will never be mine.

I savor every moment I have with him, since I know I will never know until when it will last. As the saying goes “Enjoy it while it last”.. His actions confuse me. He shows me endearing actions that would make me re-think about his feelings for me. But when we said goodbye or with the silence between us when we drive towards home, I know a part of him wants to tell me to stop and let him go.

He once did, but I don’t know what made him to go back? Because he pities me? That is the last thing I want from him. I am tough, I don’t cry. But I have lowered down all my guards and let him get that close to me. Too close to hurt me this much.

But the pain I am feeling is the feeling I love the most. Painful but I am trying to hold on to it. Some people say to let go. But my mind won’t do so.

Why would you have to hurt me this much? When you know that all I want to do is just to love and make you happy. I wish to take all the pains you have inside but I just can’t. I wish to be the person to just feel your pain so you would be happy and won’t feel sad at all.

I love you this much. I hope someday, you will love me back. But for the meantime, I am just happy seeing you and loving you in the best way I know. But when the time you really have to go, don’t worry about me. I will be fine. I have a fair share of experience of loving you. And for me it is enough for me to be happy for the rest of my life, even that means I have to spend my life alone.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kenny Mah // Life for Beginners
    Jun 09, 2008 @ 01:15:32

    Let’s hope you never have to be alone, dear.

    Reply

  2. Sareeta
    Jun 09, 2008 @ 02:58:30

    I don’t think you could explain things better.
    I feel the very same way about a certain someone.

    I am now going to check up on your blog regularly.

    I have one too, but I’ll have to change it a bit before I can publicize it. I’ll share it eventually.

    Reply

  3. rhosie
    Jun 09, 2008 @ 08:46:35

    I think each of us wish to go back on our childhood.Specially during the time when we are a in complicated situation, wherein we feel uncertainty.And we don’t know what to do.
    Im not expert about love, but i think part of loving someone is the possibilities or risk to be hurt and that you love him more than he loves you.And more often letting go is not that easy as its been said.But i think this is best way to be done, to let go.A real love knows when to hold and let go…
    Godbless

    Reply

  4. equilibrium2008
    Jun 09, 2008 @ 23:45:19

    Kenny – well I do hope so. But I would love to spend the rest of my life with Mr. Ouchies..

    Sareeta – you’re so right. I cannot explain things better specially what I am feeling right now 😦

    Btw, thanks for visiting my site. Don’t worry I’ll try my best to update this daily.

    Rhosie – yes, sometimes I wish to go back to my childhood where the only man in my life is my father. And every tears can be stopped by a simple things like candies. 😦

    Reply

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