New words for 2008

1. BLAMESTORMING- Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2.SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3.ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard

4.SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6.PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

8.SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9.STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10.SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11.XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

12.IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the admonisher are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message ‘404 Not Found,’ meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17.OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18.WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

 

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?”

So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

“Hmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You a re visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store and have a nice day!

 

Gender talk

I got this from my officemate and I find it funny. I hope you’d enjoy reading too.

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example…

1. Ziploc Bags- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2. Copiers- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3. Tire- Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.
4. Hot Air Balloon- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.
5. Sponges- Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.
6. Web Page- Female, because it’s always getting hit on.
7. Subway- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8. Hourglass- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9. Hammer- Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
10. Remote Control- Female… Ha! You thought it’d be male. But consider this-it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Author Unknown

 

What is marriage?

1. Marriage is not a word. It’s a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffer-ing.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

15. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

16. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

17. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can’t face each other, but they still stay together.

18. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

19. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the “Y” becomes silent.

20. I married Miss right; I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

21. It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

22. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

23. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL, MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.

24. WIFE: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.

25. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN’T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

26. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

27. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

28. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received hundreds of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

29. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is!
Hope you laughed a little and that your day will be
HAPPY!!! Enjoy!!

 

Bitchy quotes

Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow”

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.”-

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

I’m not anti-social, I just don’t like you”

“We are all going to hell, and I am driving the bus”

“You shouldn’t compare yourself to others they are more screwed up than you think.”

“The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones never go away.”

“I can either be your best friend or your worst enemy”.

We crush the caterpillars then complain there are no butterflies

I’m not a tease, Im just a reminder of what you can’t have

**If it doesn’t fit force it, if it breaks it needed replaced anyway*

“Enjoy life. There’s plenty of time to be dead.”

“I don’t want to achieve immortality thru my work. I want to achieve immortality thru not dying”

Ugliness is superior to beauty because it lasts.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks

Don’t give other people a piece of your mind unless you can afford it.

Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth before someone suggests it.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change

Good friends will help you move. REALLY good friends will help you move bodies.”

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

“Lies circle the earth while Truth is still trying to put on its shoes.”

I wanna be different just like everyone else

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one?? Don’t eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt

I believe that imagination is more important than knowledge.

You can’t argue with a sick mind

You’re only young once, but you can be immature the rest of your life

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

Every piece of paper has two good sides… Unless you use magic marker then you’re fucked

When faced with a difficult task, pass it on to a lazy person and she’ll figure out an easier way to accomplish it.

“Dont underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers”

A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be in the next cell saying “that was fucking awesome

What do sheep count when they can’t sleep?

“Butchs are like roses, watch out for the pricks…

Stoners live and stoners die, and at the end they all get high, then soon the don’t succeed, FUCK IT ALL LETS SMOKE SOME WEED!

*Fighting for peace is like f***in for virginity*

It takes 42 muscles to frown and only four to extend my middle finger and tell you to bite me.

Do you believe in love at first site? Or should I walk by again
A wise monkey never monkies w/ another monkey’s monkey!

***Everyones entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the privilege***

Last night I was looking at the stars and I was wondering where the heck is my ceiling!

Did you fall down the ugly tree and hit every branch on your way down!
*They say true love hides behind every Corner…I must be walking in Circles! *

Im an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo up straight!

4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep

FOR ALL OF YOU WHO TALK ABOUT ME THANKS FOR MAKING ME THE CENTER OF YOUR WORLD!

I can only please one person per day, today is not your day and tomorrow doesn’t look good either.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I am not a player…I’m the game

I’m not a blonde! I’m knot! I’m knot! I’m knot!

I Know I’m Not Perfect, but I’m So Close it scares me~! ~

I smile because I have no idea what is going on

I dont need Your Attitude, I Have One of My Own

****I’m not weird! I’m gifted****

You’re only bad if you’re caught… So that makes me a good girl, RIGHT!

~What a shame…looks like the ugly fairy kissed you on both cheeks!

CLICK YOUR HEELS AND SAY “I NEED A LIFE, I NEED A LIFE”

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in her shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Hooked on funks worked far me, Kant cha tell?

DON’T LOOK AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE

Success comes before work… only in the dictionary

~*Never fight with an ugly person~*~they have nothing to loose! *~

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Everyone gets a chance in the spotlight; you can have it when I’m done!

~* Big Girls dont cry they get even*~

NO OFFICER THERE’S ANY BLOOD IN MY ALCOHOL SYSTEM!
In some cultures what I do is considered normal

Even if the voices are not real, they have some good ideas.

Roses are red violets are blue
sugar is sweet and so are you,
but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead
the sugar bowls empty and so is your head

If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk

Mirrors don’t talk and lucky for you they don’t laugh!

I don’t come with dice-so don’t play me.

This is an inside joke and your on the outside!

-That’s all right, that’s okay, you’re going to pump my gas someday! -

Don’t think of it as losing, think of it as getting beat by a girl

Don’t Treat Me Any Differently than You Would the Queen

EVIL is just LIVE spelled backwards

Life isn’t a garden…so stop being a hoe!

HOW MANY BOWLS OF COURAGE DID U EAT THIS MORNING?

Roses are red violets are blue I’m skitzafranic and so am I!

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once!

Fact: If you ever hurt me…you get it back 10 times worse.

I never knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober one night…”

“Winston, you are drunk.” - Lady Astor
“Yes my dear, but you are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober” - Winston Churchill

“It’s not true that life is one damn thing after another. It’s the same damn thing over and over.”

How many frickin’ times do I have to say, ‘In the form of a question’, people?!?” - Alex Trebek

I no longer wish to belong to the kind of club that accepts people like me as members” - Groucho Marx

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it’s in a jar on my desk.” - Stephen King

I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.” - Britney Spears

Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember

How can there be self-help GROUPS?

What if you’re in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

Save Your Breath … You’ll need it to blow up your date

Hey! Quit hogging all the ugly!

Don’t go away mad, just go away!

We’re having creative differences. I’m creative, you’re different

Don’t talk about yourself so much… we’ll do that when you leave.

I’d like to see things your way, but I’m not sure if I can stick my head that far up my ass.

What is your worst sin? My vanity. I spend hours before the mirror admiring my beauty. That isn’t vanity, dear, that’s imagination.

If your parents got a divorce would they still be brother and sister?

It’s a beautiful world but everyone’s insane.”

~Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

It’s not that I don’t like you! It’s just that when I’m not behind the mic I’m a person just like you!

A butch talks dirty to a women and its sexual harassement. A women talks dirty to a butch and its $3.95 a min.

“Drug laws create criminals”

Your friends are worth more than you think–$7.99 at least

“Always forgive your enemies-nothing annoys them so much.”

“If you need space, join NASA, baby”

Its not an attitude ,its the way I am

If the ocean was made of vodka and I were a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up.
But since the ocean isnt vodka and Im not a duck, Just hand me the bottle and shut the fuck up.

 

The attack of the killer kutings!

I know a lot of you will ask why my title is like that. Well a friend of mine was teasing me last Friday because of what happened to me at Ayala tower one lobby.

Yes I know, you find this kuting (kitten) cute. But for me I am damn scared of them. I don;t know why but seems like I always think that they will attack me anytime. But because of these kutings, I really, really hate them… Why? I will give you all the embarrassing and horrifying experiences I had with them:

1.) I was working then with call center when my bestfriend Shine and I decided to go down and just chill out for our lunch break. I was kinda pissed off at the office that night that we decided to sit at the driveway of our building. While chit-chatting, this kitten little by little approach us. If anyone knows the Export Bank Tower at Chino Roces Makati, this is where this incident happened. So while this little kuting was approaching us, we decided to go back inside the building. To our surprise, this kuting was rushing toward us and literally chasing me. Thank God there is a glass door that he slammed there while I rushed towards the elevator. Just imagine me running in heels in a building lobby because of this kuting. (I lost my poise there though :()

2.) Second was when my ex and I were swimming at their pool during a pool party. I was diving when I noticed after I emerged from the water that there was a cat sitting at edge of the pool beside the slide. I was freaking out and was shaking while my ex was trying to scare the cat away.. Once again, I lost my poise.

3.) I went out on my very first date after my Kai siao with this guy. We went at Eagles Point Antipolo where we are enjoying the view when I felt something under the table.Something furry. When  I looked for it, I was stunned to see this cat rubbing his body against my feet. To my horror, I jumped on the table where my date was having his dinner and I was shaking. Just imagine it is an open bar, a lot of people are there, yet, I was like a crazy screaming because this cat. I thought that night, gosh, I will never ever have a chance to have a second date with this guy. But to my suprise, I got another chance.

4.) So after my horrible experience with cats during my first date, this guy and I had our vacation at Clark. While we are having this wonderful dinner by the pool, cats are swarming around us. Again, it happened. *Sigh*… But he finds it funny and cute, while I find it embarassing, horrific and scandalous.

5.) And just last Friday, while walking at the lobby of Ayala Tower one, I noticed that there is a little kuting outside the door on which we will pass. When I confirmed it is indeed a kuting, I ran back and to make things worst, I accidentally unplugged the microphone of the priest conducting the mass at the lobby and I fell on my knees. I was wearing a dress that day and to my surprise, I stand up and pretend nothing happened but I am sure everyone is looking at me. I told again my friend about it, and he was laughing his head off because this.

I just wish my terrifying cat experiences will end..

Cats and kittens, please just stay out of my way…

 

Prayer for the Stress Impaired II

Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage
to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom
to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,
as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me always to give 100% at work…
12% on Monday,
23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday
and 5% on Friday

And help me to remember…

When I’m having a bad day
and it seems that people are trying to wind me up,
it takes 42 muscles to frown,
28 to smile
and only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!

 

Bad English Part 2

Well, last night while I was writing the Bad English article, I forgot this recent incident. This happened during the last Binibining Pilipinas 2008. The girl who won the Binibining Pilipinas World and will be competing for this year Ms. World beauty pageant has a very bad command in English. Come to think of it, Ms. Janina San Miguel is a communication student (major in Broadcasting), and yet she has this English command.

Just see and watch: (please see the transcript too!)

Plus the transcript!

Paolo Bediones: Janina, how are you?
Janina San Miguel: I’m fine.
Paolo Bediones: Alright, so you won two of the major awards - Best in Long Gown, Best in Swimsuit, do you feel any pressure right now?
Janina San Miguel: No, I don’t feel any pressure right now.
Paolo Bediones: Confident! Alright! Please choose a name of the judge.
Paolo Bediones: We have Miss Vivienne Tan.
Vivienne Tan: Good Evening.
Janina San Miguel: Good Evening.
Vivienne Tan: The question is, what role did your family play to you as candidate to Binibining Pilinas?
Janina San Miguel: Well, my family’s role for me is so important b’coz there was the wa- they’re, they was the one who’s… very… Hahahaha… Oh I’m so sorry, Ahhmm… My pamily (thi… My family… Oh my god… I’m… Ok, I’m so sorry… I… I told you that I’m so confident… Eto, Ahhmm, Wait… Hahahaha, Ahmmm, Sorry guys because this was really my first pageant ever b’coz I’m only 17 years old and ahahaha I, I did not expect that I came from, I came from one of the top 10. Hmmm, so… but I said that my family is the most important persons in my life. Thank you.

Hmm, now what do you think of her English? Can you understand? I wonder how she even won the title and for me I she had not answered the question. See, the p and f she says “pamily” while it should be “f”amily.

A lot of of people says that this also happens with Ms. Teen U.S.A (Ms. South Carolina). And she doesn’t have any excuse since she is an American and she should have “mastered” this language very well. Hmm I can’t seem to understand whether she is confused or don’t know how to answer that damn question.

Please take A look..(Please read the transcript!)

The question: Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the US on a world map. Why do you think this is?

Transcript of Ms. South Carolina’s answer:

I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as. And I believe that they should, uh, our education over here! In the U.S. should help the U.S., or, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.

Hmm funny right? I wonder when they can try to at least speak slowly but surely *confused*.. Why they always have to be in the rush.

 

Bad English…

I was working with call center industry for almost 5 years. And given I have been dealing with foreigners most of the time and we are not allowed to disclose our locations, (say even if the customer noticed our native accent, we should still say that we are located in U.S.), we need to really sound like Americans or Brits, depends which account you will be handling.

Mostly of the accounts I handled were U.S. clients so I need to undergo this American Accent training with none other than Anne Cook. Dang she is really good. But since I am a Filipino, I think there would still be slip of the tongue when it comes to this English language. The common problems of Filipinos I think would be the P and the F, the B and V. Most of the time, they interchange this with one another for example “pe-der” (this should be “F”ea=ther), fey-per (this should be “P”ey-per) and the likes. Also the “Th” sounds.

Hmm, I think this is the classic Filipino English which is mostly shown during our Accent training classes. This is why I just so love Rex Navarette. I know some people think he is kinda racist but common, he is stand up comedian, and I think most of them do this as well.

Yeah see the P and the F.

Maritess is also funny..

Basically this are videos that shows that we need to have to improve our English if we are really serious in getting in the call center industry. But sometimes, I think when I was in this industry, I find some of the agents so TH (trying hard) when they try to imitate the way black people speak. For me, I think, they sounded like this:

Yeah, the more harder you try to sound like those black or put some twangs the more it ends up in disaster. Example the beach ends up with short e and it sound like BITCH!. Common dude, speak in your normal way. Don’t be so trying so hard. You look like a mess.

I’d rather listen to this person. Who thinks that the title of Mariah Carey’s song Without you is Ken Lee. I think she has more excuse in English language since I think only few speaks fluent English in Bulgaria.

Hmm, now I wonder, do I also speak that bad. But hey, so far in my stay in the call center, none of my customers during escalations of my agents thinks I am not located in U.S. so as my agents.

Maybe, I should not be confident enough. I should still improve my English.

 

Installing husband

Just got this from my officemate from her email… And I find it really funny… So here it goes

Installing Husband !!!!!!!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower
and jewellry applications that had operated flawlessly
under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other
valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running NAGGING
5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I
do?

Desperate

***************************

[REPLY]

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment
package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and
install Tears 6.2.

Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 , or Television 6.1. Television 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Loud noises ( WAV files) and does not get deleted.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.

These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I
personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Cheerfulness 2.0.

Good Luck,

Tech Support.