Ouch!Pain I love most…
Oh well remember on my last blog about the second girl I have been prying? Just opened it about 5 minutes ago, how can I in fact enjoy monitoring her blogsite where I know the guy I have been hoping to love me back has been making comment and asking her to go out on a date with her when she was still here in PI. I am just lucky right now she is US but what if she is here? Where should I place myself?
Been dating him for more than a year now but all I can feel is pain in loving him. I never had a chance for him to love me back. Before all he would say is how wonderful I am which I think he genuinely mean it. But he cannot give me more than what we have now. And he kept on emphasizing this to me all throughout the dating session.
Call me masochist but I am just afraid of losing him so I hold on. No matter how painful it is for me, I still hold on. I cannot imagine myself without him. I have tried to move on and continue living without him, but I always end up going back to him.
We got a bizarre love story, but I am not even sure if it is indeed a love story or just a “lust” story. I tried not to write it over my blog as I try to keep all the pain within me. But the more I try to hold it to myself, the more painful it become.
His actions confuse me. Whenever we are together, I can genuinely sense how happy he is. But I remember there was a time he mentioned I cannot sense that deep inside he is lonely and sad. We cannot be together, no matter how hard I try. I try to settle to the fact that all we can ever be is just a “special friend”.
I wish one day, I would learn to let go of him. I tried and tried but I keep on failing on this one. Seems like I will never ever pass on this test. I simply love his smiles, his humor, his imperfections. I see a perfect persons beyond his imperfections. But deep inside of me, I am hurting because of the fact that he will never be mine.
I savor every moment I have with him, since I know I will never know until when it will last. As the saying goes “Enjoy it while it last”.. His actions confuse me. He shows me endearing actions that would make me re-think about his feelings for me. But when we said goodbye or with the silence between us when we drive towards home, I know a part of him wants to tell me to stop and let him go.
He once did, but I don’t know what made him to go back? Because he pities me? That is the last thing I want from him. I am tough, I don’t cry. But I have lowered down all my guards and let him get that close to me. Too close to hurt me this much.
But the pain I am feeling is the feeling I love the most. Painful but I am trying to hold on to it. Some people say to let go. But my mind won’t do so.
Why would you have to hurt me this much? When you know that all I want to do is just to love and make you happy. I wish to take all the pains you have inside but I just can’t. I wish to be the person to just feel your pain so you would be happy and won’t feel sad at all.
I love you this much. I hope someday, you will love me back. But for the meantime, I am just happy seeing you and loving you in the best way I know. But when the time you really have to go, don’t worry about me. I will be fine. I have a fair share of experience of loving you. And for me it is enough for me to be happy for the rest of my life, even that means I have to spend my life alone.
Love or Infatuation
Infatuation is instant desire, one set of glands calling to another.
Love is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.
Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity.You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.
Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you, to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his presence, even when he is away. Miles do not separate you. You want him near. But near or far, you know he is yours and you can wait.
Infatuation says, “We must get married right away. I can’t risk losing him.”
Love says, “Be patient. He is yours. Plan your future with confidence.”
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are in one another’s company you are hoping it will end in intimacy.
Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence. When he’s away, you wonder if he’s cheating. Sometimes you check.
Love means trust. You are calm, secure, and unthreatened. He feels your trust and it makes him even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you’ll regret later, but love never will.
Love lifts you up. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before.
